The red cups are making their presence indicating that this year’s War Against Christmas has officially begun. God hating liberals like myself have been on the losing side of this war ever since it began with Benjamin Franklin’s invention of the Lightning rod in 1749. But this year will be different and Christmas will be destroyed! Here is my plan!
First I need to trap some Christians!
Today I will drive around looking for a refrigerator box in which to trap my Christians. That my friends is the easy part. The problem here is bait. What do I use to lure some Christians into the box? At first I thought to make some oatmeal cookies and hot cocoa, but these wholesome snacks may also lure Muslims, atheists, and gays, and I don’t want to waste any of my war resources on those folks. So instead what I will do is write “FREE STRYPER TICKETS INSIDE” on the side of the open box! What Christian could possibly resist!
Second, I will reprogram my Christians. This should really not take much time. In my garage I have an old table in which to lay my Christians down for some enhanced interrogation techniques. Through the same legal processes used by the Bush administration to get intel out of the terrorists, I will be able to finally be able to remove the “Christ”out of Christmas. Through a series of carefully planned Starbuck-boardings, and techniques borrowed from the movie The Manchurian Candidate (The good one, not the bad remake), I will convince my captives to say “Merry Trumpmas” whenever they see a Queen of Diamonds. I know some may question the use of Starbucks coffee here, but don’t worry. I will use iced coffee, as I do not want to cause any actual harm to my Christians.
I will repeat this process through a catch and release system. I figure I can trap and reprogram a Christian every 15 minutes. In my spare time and with the holidays approaching, I can realistically turn about 200 Christians in my crusade against Christmas. Additionally, I will share this blueprint on the Facebook with all my God-hating liberal friends who voted for Hillary Clinton. Neighborhoods will be transformed and according to my timeline, Christmas will be merely a bad memory by around December 19th. The true measure of success, of course, will be the coverage of this plan on CNN which will proclaim to all liberals that Christmas is as dead as Jesus himself.
What can you do? Follow the blueprint. If you can’t find a refrigerator box or markers, there are some small, “out of the box” things you can do to help. One little hack is to fill an old spray bottle with Starbucks coffee and squirt Christians in the face whenever you hear the words, “Merry Christmas.” Over time, Christians will have an automatic and undesired physical reaction whenever they say or even hear that soon to be eradicated holiday greeting, thanks to applied science. Be careful though, Pentecostals have been known to sizzle (like those lame aliens in that Mel Gibson movie) when coming in contact with Starbucks, so choose your Christians wisely.